Scratch Scratch

Let’s start this from comments from my last post.....

KentuckyCritter said...
And Brat is a great friend...will laugh at me when I need it...tell me to shut up when I'm whining...bring a shovel when there's a body to be buried...and bail me out of the slammer (if she isn't sitting there beside me)
Sat Oct 14, 03:15:09 PM
Kentucky Brat said...
ya know Critter.. we have never been to jail together! (always something to look forward to)
Sat Oct 14, 07:34:42 PM

But it was close, my friend!!
Thank the good Lord the cops in our town were stupid or Brat and I would have gone to jail on more than one occasion.. And when I say stupid I do mean stupid. They once chased a man in a motorized wheelchair and HE GOT AWAY. And when Poppa was near the end of his life Brat and I watched six cop cars chase a truck through our old neighborhood and surround the small house he ran into....he ran in the front and straight out the back and none of the six cops chasing him had enough sense to run around the 800 sq. foot house and watch the back door. A week later they tried to arrest a 14 year old and the kid threw the cop out his 2nd floor window...what a bunch of Barney's.
But I ramble...anyway, we tended to avoid them of course, not only because they had a badge but they were IDIOTS with a badge...and you could never tell what they would do...at best it was a good laugh but if things went bad you might get shot for running a stop sign. The best course of action when an unavoidable encounter occurred was to try to confuse the idiot even more and then slip away while he stood scratching his stupid head.

Case in point:
We were running around with a "Iwanttobuildadomehouseonwheels,rollitoutinthewoodsandbeahermit," kinda dude....weird but fun at times...
Well, we were at my apartment one night and he decided to fix us Tequila Sunrise in a trash can. Brat and I were up for this...a nice change...we partied quite often but wasn’t much into drinking at that point (we’ll leave it at that). We’d drank enough whiskey in our life to float a boat but Tequila wasn’t something we drank often. So here goes with a small trash can (new), a fifth or two of Tequila, orange and pineapple juice and a bunch of fresh fruit...hmmm, not bad.

After finishing off the can we were restless and ready to raise a little hell so we headed out the door. The fact that a major summer thunderstorm was raging didn’t deter us at all. There wasn’t much to do in our home town (and still isn’t) so we ended up down on the Ohio River. Did we go downtown like normal people and hang out at the park?...hell no. We went to the edge of town behind the county middle school, crossed their football field and down the embankment our drunken asses went. Now the school had been vandalized many times so the cops watched who parked back there. We parked across the street at the laundromat so they wouldn’t hassle us. Being dumbasses that they were, we figured they wouldn’t notice...how many times had I done this and they had not noticed. Guess what? They noticed.

So we roll up our jean legs and wade around in the river with thunder crashing all around...pretty fun for a while but eventually the buzz starts to subside and it’s time to leave. We drag our soggy asses to the car and take off. Mr. WannaBe Hermit had a back seat full of camping shit so the three of us rode up front, bucket seats mind you, so Brat and I were squeezed into one while Mr. WannaBe Hermit drove. La te dah...here we go down Main which is a one way when all of a sudden we are surrounded. It happened in a flash and later when I looked back on it I was proud of our little Barney patrol for being so sneaky and organized... of course, they did have a couple of hours to coordinate it all. Still, it was a good job for them.

But I ramble again...Not only did they surround us but WHAM they were on us like flies on honey...two cop cars roared up behind us, two came down the wrong way in front of us and I don’t know where in the hell that paddy wagon came from. We had a half a block to react. Mr. WannBe Hermit promptly slammed on the brakes, I literally froze and Brat...well, I will never forget her reaction. She slammed her hand down on the dash and yelled one word:

"FUCK!"

And out jump Barney’s one through five in their little yellow rain slickers with guns drawn.
"Out of the car!"

hand slamming on dash, "FUCK!"

Well, to make a long story longer they searched us and the car and could find nothing more than Mr. WannaBe Hermit’s extremely large knife. Which they bound to know was already there...must of looked through the windows while it was parked. They just reached right in and pulled it out from the floor board among sleeping bags and other camping equipment. But being Barney’s they wanted to practice being tough guys and played this game to the end. Hence the third degree:

"Where yawl been?"
"Down to the river"
"Why were you behind the school"
"To get to the river."
"In the rain?"
"Uh, the river’s got water in it so we were gonna get wet anyway."
hard look...but it made sense so Barney Number 3 scratches head and tries again...
"Why did you park at the laundroat?"
"So you [idiots] wouldn’t think we were breaking into the school."
scratch scratch
"What’s all the stuff in the back of the car for?"
"Camping."
"What’s the knife for?"
"Camping."
scratch scratch
"Why did you take it to the river?"
"We didn’t, we left it in the car."
scratch scratch
"Anything else in the car?"
"Yeah, lots more camping equipment."
scratch scratch
"Yawl been drinking?"
"No, [not in the last couple of hours]."
scratch scratch

How long this went on I don’t remember. But after the initial shock all three of us (Hermie was strange but not stupid) became zombies...deadpan smartass replies confused them so they eventually let us go.

So we head back to my place and to calm our nerves sat and smoked ourselves silly.
Cigarettes. Yes, that’s what we smoked. We smoked lots of cigarettes.