Brat and Critter return to Fern Valley

Brat came up from Florida last week bringing girl child and Pedro (hubby...not Hispanic but a nickname given to him by my hubby...that's another story). Pedro worked on my vehicles (I'm forever in his debt!) and Brat and I sat on the back porch in our usual spots reminiscing about Poppa and our childhood. There were tears of sadness and tears from laughter...our usual that makes people wonder if we are sane at all.

We got to talking about Jefferies Cliffs and our little cave we use to camp out in and decided to make a hike out to it... Jefferies is 25 miles or so from town and located maybe a mile south of the Ohio River. I reckon at one time the river came through them and hence the huge caverns that were formed. The cliffs range up to 100 feet in some spots...maybe higher. It's a good 20 minute hike from the road to the cliffs and being there is like stepping back in time. Our little cave was located on the west side of the cliffs and years ago there was a two foot wide path that hugged the cliffs and wound around to our little cave. The cave is nothing more than an open cavern about 30 feet long 7 feet high and 12 to 15 feet deep. What made it even more secluded was a small hill that started right in front the cave that rose just high enough that if you were on the other side of the hill the cave could be completely overlooked. The problem was the trail hugging the cliff was gone...completely overgrown with brambles. Seemed the little cave was forgotten by most.

No problem...we drug our lame asses...huffing and puffing through the underbrush and after 20 or 30 minutes found it. We were delighted to find the fire pit that WE built in '78 or '79 still there, along with our grate we had put over the fire to cook on. We were PISSED to find someone had recently left their trash (umm, there were still a few who knew of it then). But no matter, we cleaned up built a fire, roasted some Brauts and had a great afternoon.

Now of course "nature called"....meaning we had to pee, dumbass...so I choose to go over the hill and low and behold there was a little gully running through it full of ferns that looked perfect. We both used this spot several times during the afternoon. Right before we left I visited the gully again and this is where things got interesting.

Here I squat with pants around ankles, talking to myself about how I wish I had some TP but then wouldn't have anyplace to throw it away and surely wasn't gonna carry, when I hear a noise above my own senseless prattle. I shut up and listen and then I freeze. Pants around ankles and hands with fingers splayed frozen a few inches off the ground. The sound is a hissing blowing noise followed by a RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE....OH SHIT!! (and I nearly did!) it's a damn rattlesnake!!! My heart starts to beat again and the adrenalin is flowing... the sound is close...like right behind me! OH SHIT!!! I'm still peeing and maintaining the stance of a downhill skier....OH SHIT!!! I have my ass stuck in the face of a rattlesnake and he is PISSED off (possibly pissed ON at this point).

I can't run because I'm still peeing (just my luck every muscle froze but THAT one) and besides my pants are around my ankles. I decide to leap straight forward and pull my pants up in mid air but am concerned I'm out of shape and it will be only a hop and the snake will be faster and leap further than me latching onto my ass or even worse, my twat...OH SHIT keeps running through my mind. Finally, I stop watering the little ferns around me and put my plan into action. The adrenalin was flowing and I think I leapt about 3 feet straight in front of my yanking undies and jeans up in one motion.

I spun around and sure enough, there's a big rattler coiled up and ready to strike but now that my ass was safe... and I mean that literally... MY ASS was safe, I began to calm down some. I was only able to speak in monosyllables though.

"Brat. Brat. Snake. Rattlesnake."
"Where? You sure?"
pointing "Yes. Come. Look."
Being the crazy nut that she is, Brat actually walks up to it and checks it out and says "That's one pissed off mother fucker."
As we're walking back to the cave I tell her how he was almost a pissed ON mother fucker and being the good friend that she is, she laughs her ass off at me. I take several steps and say "Damn, I must have gotten some twigs in my undies." Several more steps and I say "Excuse me but these damn twigs are painful as hell" and I drop my pants, undies and all, and pull out an eight inch long fern. Brat hits the ground laughing so hard I thought she would PISS her pants.

When we returned we told Pedro what had occurred and he promptly named the place Fern Valley. And I think we shall call it that from now on.